Previously, I shared an exchange between Mary Beth and me while hosting dinner with friends. (The previous article, entitled “Hit That Pause Button!”, may be found here https://selflesslove.net/2022/04/02/hit-that-pause-button/. ) At that moment, my quick, unmeasured response came across to Mary Beth as “unkind.” So, while not rehearsing that article, may I furnish another painful point to help you keep the goodwill train on its track?
Part of my communication failure stemmed from the instantaneous reaction to Mary Beth’s comment to our friends. The husband-friend had asked how we ate the dish she’d prepared for dinner. Here’s the brief scene:
HUSBAND-FRIEND: How do you eat this?
MARY BETH: Well, I spoon a serving on my plate, then you can add toppings, like sour cream or cilantro.
BILL: And we have some salsa in the fridge if you wish to put add that.
MARY BETH: (to me) We never put salsa on our fajitas at home.
BILL: Well, I do!
My knee-jerk reaction to her comment hit her as disrespectful. Apparently, I had instantaneously wrapped those three words with a sharp tone, elevated volume. I tied it off with a bow of raised eyebrows. The present was not well received!
On reflection, my unkind words sprang immediately from the memory of spooning bottled salsa on this dish earlier in the month. While not tinged with anger, they flushed with pride—the insistence on being right. I had, indeed, put salsa on this dish!
My sadly natural, instantaneously prideful reaction mistreated my bride. The pride displaced my desire for selflessly loving Mary Beth. I had chosen to prove myself right over choosing to sacrificially love and support my bride.
The self-centered reaction always presents itself first. It’s a natural reaction.
The selflessly loving response stands as a choice offered by God and prompted by the Spirit. It’s not natural. You may well call it the supernatural response. Though divinely enabled, the selflessly loving response requires intention.
HUSBAND-FRIEND: How do you eat this?
MARY BETH: Well, I spoon a serving on my plate, then you can add toppings, like sour cream or cilantro.
BILL: And we have some salsa in the fridge if you wish to put add that.
MARY BETH: (to me) We never put salsa on our fajitas at home.
BILL: (Pause that natural reaction! Think about how lovingly to respond . . .) I know this may sound a bit odd, but I tried it the last time we enjoyed this meal. It tasted good! If you feel adventurous this evening, I’ll get the bottle.
Oh, that I’ll learn to be more intentionally loving in my responses! Being loving would have saved her feelings. But, unfortunately, proving myself right meant Mary Beth had to lose so I could win.
Competition in marriage kills the relationship. Conversely, compassion and sacrifice build and strengthen a marriage.
I’m keenly aware of my natural reaction to prove myself right. I’ve clearly seen the result of a competitive reaction. I have a strategy for a better marriage. With God’s help and Mary Beth’s patience, I intend to start more often from the perspective of being loving instead of being right.
And may your relationship be characterized by a selflessly loving point of departure in each conversation. Blessings.