“If ours is to be a selfless marriage, then I must race to second place!” That’s not verbatim Jacob’s response, but it’s close. Gold star, Jacob. Well-said. Challenging to accomplish!
Jacob got it! He understood the key that unlocks a purposeful, passionate marriage—seeking second place in the relationship.
Hi. If our paths have never crossed, I’m Bill Hutcheson, the Selfless Love Marriage Coach.
For 40 years of serving as a staff member, pastor, senior pastor, now as a marriage coach, I’ve witnessed scores of marriages that lost the helium of happiness. Many a couple’s relationship no longer soars but lays on the floor as a spent party balloon.
Most couples still love each other. They never intended to dig this marriage rut. One day—usually on separate days—each mate looked up to see the dark walls of their relational ditch.
A quick inventory revealed
- great kids, good pets- yes,√
- jobs, cars, & house- got it, √
- close friends, friendly neighbors-√
- comfortable life & adequate 401k-√
- members of a fantastic church family- finally √
A partner may think, “Even with our occasional glitches, we live an enviable life. So, where did happiness go? When last did we feel some of that early magic? Can’t remember!”
Most often, the helium of happiness seeps out of a marriage slowly. Maybe it’s squeezed out gradually and unnoticed by the mounting pressures of family and financial responsibilities. Every child added to the family brings that much more commitment. Every promotion carries demands equal the increased compensation. Every vehicle or home upgrade cuts a larger piece of the financial pie. Every new toy takes a bit of time for use and maintenance from a shrinking calendar and clock.
No wonder the euphoria of early marriage waned! If we don’t keep our beloved in view daily, we may lose them amid all the duties and stuff of life.
Guess What Can Recharge the Marriage?
On the other hand, I’ve seen God pump new purpose and renewed passion into flat marriages. God lifts the spousal balloon again with the rarest of elements—selfless love. On God’s periodic chart of relational elements, God gave SL (selfless love) the divine atomic number of 1. It’s first and foundational.
God founded the marital covenant on selfless love in His creation plan. But where do we learn that? Did our parents see selfless love or demonstrate it for us?. We don’t even hear it in church often enough!
Sadly, magazines and TV shows shape most girls’ vision of marital bliss. Sadder still, many boys have their vision of male/female relationships formed by pornographic media. Males and females alike suffer under the indirect influence of social media, where any mention of a selfless kind of love shocks everyone. What does each of these influences share? A self-centered focus.
Instead, we swim in a sea of selfishness. We were born in it and cut our relational teeth in it.
How’d We Get Here?
Sadly, magazines and TV shows shape most girls’ vision of marital bliss. Sadder still, many boys have their vision of male/female relationships formed by pornographic media. Males and females alike suffer under the indirect influence of social media, where any mention of a selfless kind of love shocks everyone. What does each of these influences share? A self-centered focus.
Brides’ magazines and “Say Yes to the Dress” type TV programs impress viewers with the notion that every bride is entitled to a dream wedding. Every soap opera and reality show magnifies selfishness as a relationship norm. Pornography flaunts selfishness as a virtue. It objectifies people, turning them into tools of self-gratification.
Ouch, sorry that sounds heavy. I’ve not gone to preaching. I try only to identify the culture that shaped our attitudes. And it is sobering! I’m NOT accusing you ladies of being divas or bridezillas. Neither do I assume you guys are depraved and dirty old men. But can we admit that these influences press in on us? Can’t we agree that our culture values self-worth, self-development, self-improvement, self-gratification, personal empowerment, individual rights? See a common theme?
The Good News Alternative
God offers an eternal alternative. Jesus showed us selfless love. The Holy Spirit brings God’s unconditional love as potential in every follower of Jesus.
How does the rare element appear in a marriage? Jacob began to see it. It’s a race for second place in the relationship. It’s putting my companion ahead of myself. For Jacob, it means cleaning the cat’s litter box for his beloved. For another husband, it means not leaving dishes in the sink because it frustrates his bride. For me, it means opening the car door for my beloved because she feels special when I do.
Selfless love reflects a significant sacrifice of forgetting self and personal wants. Still, it often does so in small acts like taking out the trash, deferring to our spouse’s restaurant choice, watching a college football game with him, or opening the car door for her in the rain. And guess what? If both you and your beloved race to second place, everybody wins!
Get in the Race in 2022
If you want a worthy goal for 2022, try racing for second place in your marriage!
How do you begin? Consider these steps:
- You pray for help and guidance as you begin by honestly assessing your attitude in the marriage.
- You admit to yourself, to God, and to your beloved where you have been self-centered.
- You ask God for the ability to put your spouse ahead of yourself in small and frequent efforts.
- You fail, but you pray some more and try again, and again!
Slowly, you begin to reshape your relationship into a selfless love marriage with all the benefits God intended. By this time next year, imagine where your marriage will be!